Fifty eight years is a long time coming for a spiritual realization and an epiphany moment of clarity and yet, when it opens new vistas and the chains of disempowerment fall limp with a loud clang, to the ground, freedom found doesn’t worry or fret for the years gone by. It all seems worthwhile!! It was worth every beautiful painful moment!!
When Saturn, the stern taskmaster entered my sign in August 2010, little did I know what lay ahead…what trials and tribulations, triumphs and victories lay in store for me!! I descended into a hell hole of severe physical illness, a viral infection ingrained itself in my chest and soon turned to pneumonia and gastric issues. I couldn’t eat or keep food down for eight days, the forced fasting and severe detoxification symptoms led me into hallucinatory trance states and absolute exhaustion. I had not been this sick since my childhood when my RH- blood grouping caused a severe reaction to the triple antigen immunization at 6 months of age. This sickness lasted into late adolescents and eventually through the power of my mind I catapulted myself out into wellness and health! I have been a very healthy adult! Until now.
For the duration of my recent sickness, using my body as a tuning fork I traced my way back through the years to do the detective work of uncovering all areas of personal causation, karmic choices and emotional decisions that had carved out events that followed. Piece by piece I unraveled the tangled mess of my karmic past to watch this web of life weave itself into a complete picture. This continued day in and day out and with each deeper descent I begged, are we there yet? Please, is it done? I knew I was looking for my “core wound”…the essential event…my husband begged me to let him cart me off to the hospital, I stood my ground. No meddling medico was going to ease my symptoms and remove from me my grist for this mill of discovery, no matter how uncomfortable and scary it was.
On the day before I began my recovery I hit rock bottom. Darkest hour before dawn. I found myself walking in my herbal garden…it is mid 1600’s in France. The pestilence has hit the towns and some people, with whom I am familiar approached me. They begged me to come to the town and do my healing work. I am reluctant, my husband ( then as now in this life) begs me not to go! It feels wrong to him and I agreed. But these people beg and beg and mention names of people I know. So, I relented and go with them. Once in the city I went to the house of a person, relative of a friend (best friend and close girlfriend in this life).
Within an hour I restored her to health where moments before she was at deaths door. We moved on to other houses. I saw the rats scurrying in the streets and the stench of death was everywhere. I just wanted to go home. News of my work spread fast, especially into the halls of the power brokers in this city. Those who hold the people in their authoritarian grip. The next day I am arrested, no trial, no justice, I stand accused as a witch and am executed, burnt on the pyre. The doctor who is also a Mayor, in the town, and a very strong religious figure, orchestrated the spreading of tales of fear and venom, and his feeling that his authority has been severely undermined causes him to take this action.
This person is my mother in this life. All my life my disempowerment has been caused by a kind of paralysis I have lived with…severe unfathomable disappointment, disbelief, horror and sheer sorrow at her behaviour towards me. No amount of recognition, till this moment has delivered me to a place of understanding, her visage and energy, exactly the same emotions I experienced as I drew my last breath and saw his (her) face in the crowd!
Always the question! WHY?
This is my core wound in this; my now life and here finally was the opportunity to heal it. Of course my death, according to karmic law, was my own doing. At that time I was not evolved enough to understand benign indifference, or the notion that we must never interfere in another’s karmic creations, no matter how bad it looks. What business was it of mine to leave my family, my home, my highland paradise and intervene in the karmic choices made by those captured in the plague and pestilence? These were not my choices! A high price to pay for misplaced compassion and breaking the universal law of non interference, but there it was/is…and now it is learnt. Today I know it fully and it is in my very bones, this ability to apply selective disinterest in that which does not pertain to me!
Ironically my sick state, last year, was precipitated by two instances in which I tried to push first my girlfriend ( the one I healed in my past life) and my husband into a place of recognition beyond their willingness to go. This was apparently sufficient to trigger the illness. The necessary trigger on the gun that I used to shoot myself…however, that was part of my soul’s plan. The soul always seeks, above all, sweet experiences but learns and grows most through bitter ones. As soon as I reached this critical point in my past life I turned the corner and began feeling better as each moment took over. The deed was done, the impossible mission accomplished, I was free now to heal and recuperate.
Two weeks after this supreme epiphany moment my mother phoned with news of a very disturbing dream she had had…she was scared to death…as she told me what it was, I realized she had relived the very moment, minutes before my death when our eyes locked in that past life. That moment has dominated every living minute of her existence ever since. The torture of it, a catalyst to her behaviour towards me, borne of hate; guilt; sorrow; feelings of being threatened; unsure; trying to rub me out and/or win my forgiveness. Amazing, I know in this life that she hates herself. Karma is thicker than blood, karma will always take precedence over familial bonds. She had me killed as well as many other women accused of being witches in that time, and that includes her own mother in this life. In order to maintain her base of power, her position of authority in that life, which to her was everything, and anything or anybody, that threatened it had to be wiped out! In this life she delivered me to a Doctor as a healthy 6 months old baby and I came out critically ill, this lasted 16 years and destroyed my childhood. Like a death sentence!
Karma is an amazingly energetic phenomenon which is widely misunderstood. Many people think that karma is something outside of us that happens to us, be it reward or punishment from some force that is enacted upon us by the management committee for karmic law! Not so!!
Karma is the magnificent and observable fact of manifestation in action. It is what we do to ourselves through our choices. Choices and decisions create an impact, which builds an energetic stream we cannot ever escape. Karma is literally the accumulation of habits in behaviour arising out of observation by sentient beings that live according to the law of free will. It is how life behaves, seems to them to be, and is!
Things happen. We make them happen but our conclusions about them, are what’s critical. And, this fallout from what happens to us, is of course complicated by what the spin doctors and marketing agents for social reform or social enculturation have sold us. This effects our beliefs and perceptions and changes how we see what we see and the conclusions we come to about what has happened or is happening as well as what matters. This literally is EVERYTHING!! Life is a very long journey back home to your personal truth as distinct from what you have been led to believe. That is how it is! Karma, of course remains intact from life to life and it explains why a baby can be born and then be abandoned, abused, loved or heir to a fortune. It is what explains the causative agents are in this variation of circumstances? Karma!!
Money too is an interesting tool (illusion) we humans have learnt to use to create an artificial semblance of having avoided, diverged from or escaped karma. Karma feels to us like life trying to get us…ha ha!! That is such a joke when we created it. Always when karma becomes active in our life, unfolding as it does, it stuns us that the money didn’t sort out the karmic issues!! You’d laugh if it wasn’t so obviously tragic!!
Freedom for me has come from realizing that my mother’s karmic history had an overwhelmingly powerful grip on her behaviour which far outweighed any responsibilities as a wife, daughter or mother and so what was incomprehensible to me is now totally logical. My part in it as well!! I had to learn that once you reach a state of spiritual alignment with the ONE, voluntarily going to a lower spiritual level where “separation” is active, is tantamount to suicide, it is suicide because there is NO VALID reason for it. We have no place in the “righting” of others karmic dilemmas. It breaks the Universal Law of NON-interference. Karma is thicker than blood ties or allegiances in every case and explains why those closest to us hurt us the most. These people are our avenue to creating karmic balance and the ability to choose freely in each moment, unhindered by karmic debt. They are our primary modus operandi for redressing karmic folly!!!
Now tell me that is not ingenious!!